Back In It's Hay Day, Nicktoons Was One Of The Best Channel. My Favorite Era Was Nicktoons Network and Its 3HM block, I sit in front of my prestigious TV. It's nothing new or fancy. At my most generous guess, it would probably be twelve inches. The upside was that it was a flat screen. I also had satellite TV, which was another thumbs up, I guess.
Sitting on your ass in front of an idiot box won't get you any success, it won't better your social life, and it sure as hell won't get you laid, but it has shown me many awful things that I'll be able to keep with me. I'll always remember one program in particular that has had me out of my seat, going through my neighborhood looking for the key to my own safety. It's all because of one of the programs I hate: infomercials. I hate nothing more than seeing "3HM" instead of an actual title. No info, no story. Just some 3 Headed Monster Goofing Around All Day (On Saturday, Sunday, and Friday) Like An ass... It was roughly a month and a half ago, when I was up late during a humid, summer night. I believe it was around 3:00 a.m. and it was storming out. Since I'm sitting on my gradually fattening ass in front of the idiot box, I start to get a little annoyed at the "Searching for Signal" message played for prolonged periods of time. When it did disappear, it was temporary and sometimes all that would play would be a digital "glitch" of whatever was playing at that moment. Then, right back to searching for the goddamn signal.
I grew tired of the silence of the Television. I wanted to hear cars crashing from those "Caught on Tape" shows, incoherent screams of an audience at a pro wrestling event, or even the laugh of SpongeBob and Patrick. I picked up my remote, hidden in the nooks and crannies of the slowly aging and breaking recliner I was sitting in. I hit the "Guide" button to see what was playing on the other channels I normally watch. Most of the titles of the programs were gone because of the storm. The satellite was still trying to "collect data".
I was annoyed and about fed up with the cable. I was going to turn it off and go to bed, but after scrolling up one more page, I saw text in a program box. Alright! I thought to myself. That "Alright" quickly turned into a "For fuck sake!". That program I though I was going to see was titled "Paid Programming".
I humored myself. Most of the other channels I watch were still glitchy and gathering data. I'd rather try to watch something I didn't like so much without the glitches, then the best show ever and miss all the greatest parts because of glitches. Rolling my eyes, I highlight the box with the words "Paid Programming" to see the info and the channel, which sparks some questions and oddness.
The info for "Paid Programming" wasn't what was usually in the info for infomercials (which was usually the title itself, again). The info said "Supplies are running out." Not only did the words create an odd and curious atmosphere, they also gave me the feeling of Deja Vu. That feeling when you've been there before, experienced this at some point, though I couldn't be sure of anything at the moment; my mind then went to the channel after it was done trying to figure out the info, but failing.
The channel name and number were ones I have not seen before. The channel number was 73, which I don't ever remember ordering, or even watching. What was even odder was its name. ASK-Y. Wait... 3HM does Not air on Different Channels... Its On Nicktoons for goodness sake... I highlighted the block, and pressed "Select" on the remote.
Static. That's all it was. All that was visible was fucking static. What little hopes of seeing something I had dropped like a dumbbell. But wait...static? Satellite TV does not show static when the receiver is on. It is only to show the "Searching for Signal" message on a black screen. Why was there static?
It went on for two minutes, and I just sat there gazing into it. I hoped my mind would entertain me and show me a face in the screen, just to fuck with me. I was getting desperate. When I was about to turn off the TV and call it a night, the loud white noise stopped and a sound that was very faintly remembered played in my head. Like I know it from somewhere. More Deja Vu, more stuff to think about (and I thought you fried your brain watching this shit). It was 3:18 when One Of The Monster's Heads stepped in front of the camera. Finally, something was going to happen. Only to be bullshited again for another minute. He was talking to someone outside the shot, and seeing as how the camera shook a little bit during response to the man in front of the camera, I figured it was the camera man being spoken with. The man in front of the camera turned away from the screen, to his right (left from my perspective) and yelled at something. The yell was full of rage, like it said something hostile or violent. Maybe a threat? He started, "Good evening, We have yet again, our high quality product available for sale! Stay tuned to watch us perform three tests with it to show how top quality it is." What are they selling!
The host made a motion with his hand that said, "Come here". It was gestured to his left (the right of the screen from my perspective). At 3:20, a large alligator appeared. It had jagged and rough looking skin, and its teeth looked like they were sharpened with a hard mineral. It was something out of a horror movie. It wasn't that creepy though; because of all the Deja Vu moments, I felt like this could very well be a part of them as well. He backs away from the camera, and looks to his right, and screams. He makes a quick and violent gesture for whatever it is to get to where he was at. Screaming could be heard off screen, and the host got fed up and walked towards the source of the scream.
At 3:25 the host walks back into the shot with someone over his shoulder, fighting him to let them down. It appeared to be "Sunday". She had on jeans (which seemed to be dirty from mud), and a long sleeve shirt. She wasn't from anywhere that infomercial was being filmed. She had no accent, and in fact sounded American. What should have been shock for me, was simply an expression of indifference. A Poker face. Then A Video Clip Played: a fat man wearing a dirtied shirt with khaki shorts on is now in the view. The cameraman picks up the girls head by her hair and hits her in the face with a hard hay-maker. The sound of blow was impressive; it was enough to control her and settle her down, for the moment. It made it easier for the host and the cameraman to grab her by her wrists and ankles and toss her to the left. Where the alligator is. That is when my heart dropped a little bit.
The alligator wasted little time. As soon as the girl landed with a thud, the alligator bit at her and consumer her entire arm. She let out a wail painful to hear for the normal person, and with that was heavy gasping and sobbing. None of that noise lasted long, as the alligator bit her neck from the side and consumed half of it. The screams and sobs turned into gurgling. Blood. I thought. The alligator let go of the neck and dug into everything else like it was a feast before death. It went from the neck, to the head, consuming it whole. The cracking and crushing sound of the skull made me flinch a little. From there, it went to the torso, to the legs and so on.
At 3:28 there was no longer a corpse for the alligator to tear at. It Suddently Cut Back To Friday, The Host... He Spoke between "Moans" He Said "DID YOU SEE THAT, I CAN'T BELEAVE NICKTOONS CAN DO THAT SH*T!!!" Then The Program Ended... I'm Not Sure If Nicktoons Got Hiijacked or what not... I found a simlar thing with the link:
It Reminded Me Of The Footage I Saw, I Called The Guy Up and Here's What He Said:
"WHAT!!! I CAN'T BELEAVE NICKTOONS CAN DO THAT SH*T!!!" At That Point I Hanged Up. On The News I found Out Nicktoons was hiijacked by ASK-Y Because They Thought they were better...